Doppleganger (evilgrins) wrote in chucknorisisgod,

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Kicking Chuck Norris' ass

1:48 AM 10/18/07 · For some odd reason or other, Chuck Norris has worked himself into the American mindscape as being completely and totally unbeatable. He's featured in a number of online games this way, the odd soda commercial, and several repeat appearances on Family Guy. Don't get me wrong, Chuck know hus stuff and I used to love his films...but more often than not the only place you can find him these are a bunch of early morning infomercials for exercise equipment.

He had his day and I love checking out his stuff. Hell, you put on Walker, Texas Ranger and I'm fairly mesmerized. tough as he is, he's really not that tough.

I could take him in a fair fight.

Pretty much wipe the floor with him.

Of course, he's had decades of martial arts training...and I haven't. In order to even things up, make it a fair fight, I'd need some things. Nothing too unusual...just stuff:
  • One flamethrower.

  • Grandma Dynamite (really ancient cartoon reference).

  • A baby ninja...with plastic weapons it can't accidentally swallow.

  • An adolescent radioactive kung fu hamster.

  • Explosive bunnies, preferrably starving.

  • Can of spray flavored essence of carrot.

  • Five hundred gallons of shaving creme.

  • Cardboard cut out of Bruce Lee...for that psychological edge.

  • One rabid flamingo, pink coloring or not...isn't really important.

  • A furry dressed as a tribble.

  • Masi Oka...just because. Might have to kidnap him.

  • A catapult.

  • A hive filled with killer bees.

  • A bee suit.

  • A yo·yo...should probably learn how to "walk the dog".

  • Cartoon punch hammer (think Who Framed Roger Rabbit?).

  • A bottle of nair (for the beard).

  • Three harrier jets.

  • An attack trained porcupine.

  • Jason WarlockWarlock in a neon pink tutu.

  • A sex addicted rhino.

Did one of these a stretch back for Jet Li: Clicky! Did a quick skim for Jet Li communities first, only found one that was barely active, posted it there too.

Think I'll poke around and see if there's any Chuck Norris comms that might benefit from this list..
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Well I must say that list of necessities is excellently thought through; but there is one little problem I noticed. It's fairly easy to make this mistake with Chuck, and I've seen it done before. He can simply will things without consciousness (and perhaps with) out of existence at His whim. There is no known counter to such a power, and with that revealed it is easy to see how Chuck can and has defeated anyone to come against Him. However, He is benevolent, and uses His power wisely and discreetly. Otherwise, he would not have to act in commercials and infomercials for money; he could create or take money.
After a number of recent Mountain Dew commercials, i'm not sure benevolent is the righ word.